2005-04-29 || 1:14 p.m.
you gotta have faith

I've never been a particularly faithful person. I have faith... in myself, in my family, that the T will be on time on Commonwealth Ave. That kind of faith never waivers, despite pretty big set backs (especially with the T damn it - hehe). My faith in the Lord, however strong it may seem, usually comes and goes sporadically. I do believe in God, in a higher power, some being that has a plan for all of us. And I guess answering to His call is the only way we can do great things. It's not so much having to do with whether or not I believe, it's more my faith and how I show my beliefs. I'm not a particularly big fan of organized religion. Every since my childhood days, I've gone to only Catholic school. Both my parents are Catholic, my maternal grandma and grandpa are Irish Catholic and Italian Catholic (respectively) - I am the byproduct of a hardcore Catholic upbringing.

Of course, the only problem with this is that as a child, you become a parrot. You recite proudly the Our Father that you learned in kindergarten class without fully knowing what you're talking about and you mistakingly pronounce Hallowed hollowed. Yikes, that makes a big difference. When you hit 2nd grade and the big First Communion comes along, suddenly your parents make you go to church every weekend like it's your fuckin job. Of course, I never really minded... at first. The host tasted yummy enough after you got over its blandness. You continue going to mass every weekend of every year for the next 10 years.

In high school, I rebelled. I wasn't out to be different, I was just trying to not be the same as everyone else. I know... kind of confusing, but it makes sense to me. I just started changing my exterior to the ways I felt inside. When you're a transracially adopted Korean kid growing up in a white conservative Republican Catholic suburb, people tend to think alike. The sermons at mass were all the same to me. The words were different, but the message was the same. Kids, when you grow up, keep our little town conservative, Republican, Catholic, and most of all keep it white. Needless to say, I wasn't buying into it.

My town is racist in an irritatingly silent way. The public high school in my town schools many black kids from our neighboring town. I don't know if the tax payers are annoyed that we're paying for these out of towners' educations or if they're just bigots - I dunno. All I know is that the police of the Verne de Mal (my town's pseudonym used for my own purposes) patrolled the streets and tried to keep those black "juvenile delinquents" out. Ok, what the fuck?! When my twin sister Krissie and I were growing up, our babysitter Jen, who was from Trinidad, was like a mother figure. She was and still is someone I hold near and dear to my heart. So whenever I saw the police hunting down black kids who were just hanging out like all the rest of us, I got really offended.

I became a darker person. The way I dressed offended some people. I gained and lost respect. It was somewhat controversial, which reflected my ideals. It was my silent rebellion.

As high school wore on, I became more and more opinionated, and much more liberal. I butt heads with the Catholic League's moderator too many times to count. Abortion, stem cell research... those were my sorest spots. We would just argue and argue. He would try to make me feel stupid for even mentioning some of my ideas in front of an audience. Then he would go on brainwashing all these people and putting words into their mouths. He was the last straw. He ruined the Catholic Church for me. After one fight, I was ready and willing to make the leap to become a protestant. I never did it.

I've changed a lot since then. I don't have to dress to make people see what kind of person I am. She's in there somewhere, dressed up in her chains, her metal, her dark eye makeup, her dark lipstick, her spiky hair. She speaks when I need her to.

My faith in God is there. I'm trying to slowly build it back up. He's never done me wrong. He's scared me shitless a few times and left me feeling alone, but He was there watching silently.

BU's Inner Strength Gospel Choir is my outlet for God. It's a great way to express my faith. I love singing and the people there are of different faiths, which is what I like. Our concert is tonight. I see it as a sort of culmination to my journey back to God. We'll see how things go.