2005-05-18 || 10:26 p.m.
alias: choi cha hee
My mom, Krissie, and me (in that kick ass hat)
My decision to learn Korean wasn't one to excel in my future field of work, it's more personal. I'm adopted. Most people don't know that and I'm never sure why... Freketic isn't exactly a Korean name. I've taken note that there are more and more Korean adoptees recently. It's hardly unusual anymore, and yet, I still feel that when people find out, they look at me like I have three heads.
Most of the time, people are curious and I can't blame anyone for that. But as they try to feed their curiosity, they wind up asking intrusive and rather personal questions. It's nice that they're showing interest, but I hate being queried about my biological parents. I'll give it to you straight out. My birth mother died shortly after giving birth to my sister and me and as far as my knowledge goes, my biological father wasn't around for any of that. And when people give me their sympathies, I just can't accept them. Yeah, I suppose that is sad. But if things had turned out differently, I might not have lived in the U.S., I might not have been given the opportunities that I have here. Plus, I didn't even know my birth parents. I know it sounds cold, but my parents are here. My mommy and daddy live with me in New York in our little Long Island home. If I were going back to Korea any time soon, it certainly wouldn't be to visit family there.
Being Korean is a big part of who I am. I see it everyday when I wash my face in the mirror... thick straight hair, almond eyes, rounded nose. But being transracially adopted is also a big part. It's a difficult balance. You have white washed on one side of the spectrum and hardcore Asian on the other. I think I'm somewhere in the middle of both. It's so hard though. You can fit in the white community or the Asian community just fine, but not entirely. It's as if you're foot got caught in the door. You can never escape one or the other (not that I'd want to). It's not easy dealing with that. I can't deny that I'm part of a caucasian family. Their traditions are mine. It doesn't make me love them any less, but sometimes I just feel so broken knowing that I don't completely belong to one group or the other.I know it sounds so strange what's coming out of my mouth. I always have such a hard time explaining exactly how I feel. I have a lot of conflicting emotions concerning being adopted. I want to go back to Korea, but when I do, I want my family to be there with me. I want to learn Korean so I don't feel so lost if I do ever get there. Plus I feel by learning the language, I'm moving more toward that balance.
People, especially Asians (but not to say all Asians), sometimes make me feel ashamed that I'm adopted. It's such a terrible thing to say, but it's true... and it's really sad. Who should be ashamed of who they are? I try not to feel hurt when other Asians have that look on their faces when they find out. Explaining sometimes helps, but then they always think my exploring the Korean culture is a sad attempt at being more Asian than I really am. And then there's the look again, as if they're trying to put me in my place. But really, the question I've been asking myself for as long as I remember is exactly that, where is my place?
These days, I'm content knowing that I am that Irish, Italian, Korean girl wrapped up in one Asian looking package. Jae, my FOBby Korean boyfriend (teehee), helps me more than he will ever know. He's so supportive of me and he is constantly teaching me new things about Korean culture, language, and above all about myself. I love him more than there are stars in the sky. :muah: =D
My journey to self-discovery will most likely not end any time soon. I don't even know if there's a final destination. But I'm persistent in finding out. I just hope that one day I'll be completely happy with myself.
Current Music: -
Current Quote: "Self is the only prison that can ever bind the soul." - Henry Van Dyke, The Prison and the Angel
